Father's Day Reflections 6/15/03 USH

Father's Day Reflections

On Father's Day, June 15, 2003 the service itself included reflections about fatherhood, one of which was a poem written and recited by Barth Smets. The Order of Service included a page of written testimonials entitled "About My Father, Being a Father, and Being a Grandfather". Here are Barth's "Reflections" and the written testimonials.

Fatherhood: Incompleted Thoughts From what vista do I speak
Without the record or the marks of guiding children
to wondrous, virtuous, confirming non-confirming virtuosi
Not yet worked to bring about those transformations
in spite of all that toils against us: peers, parents, unending world's distractions
And thus my thoughts are not yet calloused by these worldly woes,
retain a substance naïve,
but pure to me,
Thoughts I hope to regain and reflect on frequently
as I, too, gain the scars of fatherhood, embellishing adornments Sensational awe at first:
witness the physical metamorphosis
from the sessile feeder to the non-stop high-energy toddler,
the sheer ebullience,
the definition of persona with ideas, dislikes and preference,
the acquisition of skill and dexterity,
the exuding love for everything that crosses their path and halts,
the sadness too,
the emotions strong, stronger than I'd like to greet,
I witness all with awe and joy,
wish it to be perpetual, or as long as it can be,
try not to confine, constrain, reign, impose, direct.
and so
I too can dance, and sing and chant
at last, I can.
How gratifying to observe and permit
the sacramental growing, the living But lots of fear as well.
Fear of loss, fear of love
This love surpasses all,
even my mate's which carried public testimony
To hold someone so dearly, unbeknownst before, but true to the core
I reject this fear, embrace this love, will never let it acquiesce My incompetence, never identified so swift and clearly
ill-prepared to accept at first
with a life dedicated to expertise and proficiency
but not here
the fatherhood profession,
practiced license-free
but it is true
I do not know, should not pretend, but try to apprehend
this task can not be faked
the principle I hold is honesty and openness,
hopefully trust will flow Fatherhood's the journey,
child and me together
unsure in footing
but together
with distant ends un-predestined
skills and tools yet to be collected
but together. Sure, it's fun to see me mirrored in their quirks and habits
Sure, I know that to live life worldly some rules of conduct we may select Yet, I refrain (I must, I will) from setting goals
beyond th' attainment of their own potential
informed and nurtured
Should I find myself through them, not me in them,
will be content
I wish no copy of my penchants
A loving guide I stand to be Permission for this ominous task will be my satisfaction. barth f. smets, June 15, 2003

ABOUT MY FATHER; BEING A FATHER; AND BEING A GRANDFATHER

ABOUT MY FATHER My earliest memories of my father are from driving to my preschool in Ellington. I'd bop around in the back seat as he played his Grateful Dead tapes, and we'd croon together “the sky was yellow and the sun was blue!” Some days, he'd pretend to get into the back seat and try to start driving after dropping me off, just to make me laugh. Other days, he'd forget to stop and keep driving down the road towards the high school; these times, not on purpose. As the years have gone by, this has always been the nature of our relationship: we sing and laugh and tell jokes and do trigonometric functions dances in the kitchen. Sure, there've been more serious times, especially as I've gotten older: help with Calculus homework, familial and social squabbles, and the horrors of PMS and other typical teenage behavior. But the resilience of our relationship always allows us to bounce back, and for that I am infinitely grateful. Not all girls my age can profess that they honestly do like hanging out with their dads, without constantly saying, “Don't embarrass me.” Likewise, not all fathers would or could make the time to spend with a 17-year-old. On this Father's Day, the last Father's Day for which I officially reside full-time at home, I would like to thank my Dad for all that he's done for me, and with me, over the years. Thanks, Dadadidlio, from your Squid. Rachel Buglione-Corbett******************************************** BEING A FATHER Being a father is the best thing I do. Every year is a great year and every age is a great age. Being Mr. Mom from Aaron's birth to 5 years old was the one time in my life when I knew I was doing exactly as I was meant to do
and was in total harmony with spirit and nature and wanted nothing more. Our bond was forever formed and that developed into a mutual respect and admiration and a wonderful communication which continues to this day. Aaron has been on stage with me since he was 8 years old and now, at 16, he plays bass with me at all my concerts. There is no greater joy for me than to stand on stage and look over at my son and to play music with him which we are both attuned to and which is another form of joyful communication. Pleasure shared is pleasure doubled!
We continue to value each others lives and our time we share. There is no one I hold more dearly or to whom I owe more. Being a father gives me a second chance in some ways to keep the good parts of my upbringing and to
try to teach him all the things I would like to have known growing up that I missed. But I also learn much from him as I watch him in this world. It is a wonderful life adventure and the beauty is in the journey.
Steve Nystrup ******************************************** I find fatherhood more satisfying the further I go. My wife is a miracle of kid-comprehension, and I could never replace her. But I am grateful to feel a spark of something good about my maleness (imagine that) with both my son and daughter -- something I am giving that only a dad can give, and that they want and need. Seeing many of my qualities in my daughter, and my wife's in my son -- that also gives my gender categories a nice flip. Finally, I am shocked to now see myself in a slightly more forgiving way -- stuff that I thought was 'just me', I now think may be largely just 'me' on a genetic level. Jim Stodder******************************************** Father's Day brings up a wide range of emotions for me. When I think of my father, the strongest emotions that I feel are tenderness and understanding. A very quiet and unassuming man, he was always there to comfort me when I was in pain or to provide me with just the right amount of advice when I needed it most. Sometimes I did not listen to his advice such as “listen to your own heart” - but it takes time for us all to learn the really tough lessons and to hear our own hearts. While raising my own two boys, I like to think that I provide them with that same level of comfort and support that my father gave me and give them room to make their own mistakes. I have found the best way for me to do this is to support them in all their endeavors, whether it be a T-ball or a little league game, a minor recital or a major audition, or to watch them in their first kindergarten school play. It is important for me to make sure they have all the supplies for their latest construction projects for school or for their pinewood derby cars for scouts. The tough part is letting them build the project themselves, while I watch patiently without trying to butt in, until they ask for a little help. But most of all, I open my heart to my children and teach them to live their lives authentically, help themselves and others and “listen to their own hearts”. I teach them these ideals by example - by being a Sunday school teacher, being proud of my work at the office, becoming a den leader and finding time for Tai Chi and Meditation. Most importantly, I always let them know I am there for them and I love them. Michael Slater******************************************** After my divorce in 1992 I became -- according to the legal documents -- a “visitor” to my two boys, then 3 and 6. It was a low point for me: My dreams of being a father and husband had vanished. I was angry and depressed, struggling to make sense of my new life. But that changed when the Court awarded me half time custody in 1994. Since then I have participated actively as my boys move through the normal stages of development. We were in scouts, played ball and went fishing. Of course, I needed to learn a lot of new skills: How to cook a “kid meal” (my guys do not appreciate anything fancy!); How to get them prepared for their next activity; How to deal with emotional issues and problems at school. My experience has made me appreciate the difficulty of being a single parent. Sick days and school holidays, the barrage of details associated with managing the children's lives and isolation from other adult activities must take an enormous toll. But, I am lucky, because my ex wife and I share the job about equally. So, I get to recharge my batteries as a single adult, half the time! Even so, I do miss the kids when they are away for more than a day. I know that many divorcing or never married parents are reaping the benefits of shared parenting. Most importantly, the kids benefit tremendously from two actively involved parents. They get twice as much love and help as they do in a single-parent household. In the future, I hope that more non-custodial parents will seek and be granted the same joys – and challenges – that I have had. John Clapp ******************************************** BEING A GRANDFATHER Seeing and holding each grandchild for the first time was more exciting and wondrous than I had expected it would be-and with an added dimension- the realization that our children were now parents. Knowing that they would now experience all of the emotions and responsibilities that Nancy and I had experienced parenting them also felt special. As grandparents, we would be able to have all of the fun and none of the responsibility. I am a "long distance" grandfather. One grandchild lives in Florida and two live in Texas. Although we have been fortunate enough to see them every six months or so, I miss being able to enjoy them and to see the rapid changes that are taking place during their early years to the extent that I would like. When we do see them, it is exhilarating to have them run to us with smiles on their faces and give us big hugs. How much fun we have with them during our periodic visits! We talk to them frequently on the telephone and get much pleasure from our conversations with them regardless of their length. I chuckle when we have conversations such as "hello, I love you, good bye", or "Mommy's exercising, I am on the computer, you will have to call back later, good bye" and feel ten feet tall when, during a longer conversation, each sentence, or so it seems, begins with "grammy and poppi". One lesson that I have learned during these early years of our grandchildren's lives, although I do not always practice it, is to offer advice only when I am asked for it. I have also been thinking about the one grandfather that I knew-a missionary teacher. I remember him as a gentle man who expressed his love in a quiet way. His moustache scratched my face when he kissed me and he took me on a long walk through the woods with no one knowing where we had gone and frantic about our whereabouts. Putting these thoughts and memories together has been very enjoyable-You may want to try it!

Tom Reed

Let us know of any comments, errors and corrections - thanks (revised 2/21/05)