Sermon: Men on Love

Unitarian Society of Hartford
Sunday February 13, 2011
Men on Love

Hugh Schweitzer, Peter Olguin & David Princiipe

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Love is in the air. Hugh Schweitzer, Peter Olguin and David Principe will take flight and share their experience of love. We find it in the ever-changing love of a long term relationship, in the bedrock of family and of course, in the all-encompassing love of our faith. All you need is love.

SCENE ONE

(Three male passengers take their seat in the center aisle of a passenger jet.)

PA ANNOUNCER

This is your captain speaking. I’ve just turned off the Fasten Seatbelt sign, so you are now free to move about the cabin. Remember, your spiritual growth is our primary concern so sit back, relax, breathe in (brief pause - 3 passengers simultaneously take a deep breath) now exhale (another pause - 3 passengers simultaneously exhale loudly) and enjoy the rest of UUA Flight 214 to Hartford, Connecticut.

HUGH

Boy, that conference was something else, huh?

PETER

Yeah, it was great, but crazy! It’s good to be heading home.

DAVID

Thank goodness we got these bulkhead seats - there’s so much leg room! (all three stretch legs out over steps & sigh)
(brief pause)

You know, I’m glad we’ll be home in time for Valentine’s Day. I mean, Karla and I don’t worry too much about buying stuff and whatnot to “prove” our love for each other, but still, it’s nice to be together.

(counting on fingers) If I include the years before we were married, this’ll be something like our nineteenth. (looking at Hugh) How many for you?

HUGH

Got you beat! Becca and I are on number twenty-two.

PETER

Betsy and I are on twenty-two, too! When were you married?

HUGH

April of ‘89. You?

PETER

May of ‘89. That’s wild!

DAVID

Well, you old fogies might have us beat for years married, but when I look back we’ve known each other nearly as long as I can remember - I still remember my crush on her was when I was about 15 up at the lake in Vermont! So, we’ve really known each other for something like thirty years.

HUGH

Bec and I met in the very highbrow ‘Spigot’ over on Prospect Avenue. I’m not sure that either of us could have guessed that we’d be together so many years later.

PETER

Betsy and I met swimming. We were both Masters swimmers, and met at a pool in San Francisco, where we both lived at the time.

I remember how intense love was then. How we couldn’t stand being apart from each other for a minute. Betsy was the life of the party. She would drag me out to comedy clubs, parties at her friends’ houses...

So much has changed since then! Kids, careers, houses, bills... Life is so busy!

You know, the other day we found ourselves alone with all three kids out of the house for a couple of hours. We didn’t know what to do with ourselves!

HUGH

(laughs) You obviously need some coaching about what to do with your spouse when the kids are out of the house!

PETER

Ha ha! But seriously, we are always so go-go-go that when we get free time as a couple, we have to remind ourselves how to have fun. We ended up going to that new sushi place in the Center. We hardly talked about kids at all (though it was a challenge!), and we had a good time.

DAVID

Do you miss the intensity and simplicity of those early days?

PETER

Well, there were parts of that time that were great. We had a lot more free time and a lot more energy. But we were so poor!

HUGH

(laughs) Tell me about it! The days of mac and cheese...five days a week!

DAVID

There was a time when Karla learned how to make our own laundry detergent!

PETER

Hell, one time I even fixed Betsy’s brakes!

DAVID

(laughing) And she’s still around to tell about it!

PETER

I remember those days fondly, but that kind of intensity can’t last. After you stop making goo goo eyes at each other, you need to get down to making a life together.

DAVID

Yeah, it’s like working your garden: you start with lots of enthusiasm - choosing what to plant, preparing the soil, planting the seeds, watering the ground. It’s exciting to think about & plan!

HUGH

And then those tiny shoots start to come up, and it’s really cool!

DAVID

But over time some weeds start to creep in, or you go on vacation & can’t water for a couple of weeks, and when you come back, things don’t look so good.

I mean, the enthusiasm you had at the beginning will carry you so far, but after that you really have to rely on your commitment to keep up with the parts that can be more mundane, like the day-to-day weeding and watering. I don’t know anyone who gets excited about those parts.

HUGH

But love & gardens both have their cycles, don’t they? There are periods where things lie fallow for a while, the weeds get the upper hand for a bit. And then spring comes and it’s time to plant again. And you get excited all over again.

PETER

So are the two of you saying that, ultimately, a romantic relationship is a lot of work?

DAVID

Well, if you mean backbreaking labor with no gratification, no, I wouldn’t say that - but I do believe that the effort that you put into a relationship is what keeps it going, and so, yes, I’ll call that “work,” (even though I know Karla doesn’t like it when I say that).

But when a couple are in it together “w-o-r-k” isn’t necessarily a four-letter word, you know? It’s energy, it’s exertion... but you end up building something deep, and rich, and really worthwhile.

PETER

And the depth of that relationship helps sustain it, doesn’t it? I know I’ve had times when things were so hard I didn’t feel like getting out of bed in the morning.

But in retrospect, because I had a partner who loved and depended on me, I made the effort. I think that having someone who depended on me, and on whom I also depended helped me step up my game.

HUGH

You know, one of the things that I like about Becca’s and my relationship is that we kind of each egg the other on to increase the breadth and depth of the adventure. Sometimes in small ways--trying out new cuisines, say--and sometimes in big ways--like how to raise a kid. Becca and I were each raised very differently, so we bring different qualities to our relationships with others.

DAVID

Ah, yes, Love must learn to accept the history of one’s partner’s upbringing!

HUGH

Well, yes, many a therapist has profited from old family drama, but there’s also a lot of good that carries down, and I’d like to think that’s what we try to focus on.

For example, Becca’s mom, Tricia, was an artist, and a nursery school teacher, and a very warm, affectionate woman. She may be one of the best listeners I've ever met. And Becca has that in her; she brings it to her relationship with me and into her role as mother to Max. She’s continuing that cycle of love. And Max will radiate that to the people he loves, long after we’re gone.

DAVID

Sounding mighty Buddhist over there, my UU friend - though instead of just mindlessly repeating the past, maybe you’re also consciously breaking with it? Honing in on and repeating the good things, while trying to break with some of the not-so-good?

PETER

Well my daughters sure aren’t repeating the past. If they’d have been like their mother, they would have been married...and divorced...with eight-year-olds by now!

Instead, they’re both gay, and in stable, loving, long-term relationships.

HUGH

Really? Where do they live?

PETER

Well, my oldest is out in California. And you remember all that Prop 8 stuff? As a result she and her partner couldn’t get married like they wanted to.

But they knew they were committed to each other, so they went to city hall and officially registered their relationship, and, on their way out the door in their tux and wedding gown, who should they they bump into but the mayor of Oakland? He saw them, and she said it literally brought tears to his eyes. He said he was so proud to be the mayor of a city where this could happen.

DAVID

Funny, isn’t it, how so many people out there seem to take the right to get married so for granted.

HUGH

Speaking of “for granted,” did you guys hear how well things went at the gala for Gail last night? Seems like the church is really coming together to support her. You know, it’s love on a totally different level, but it still has that same sort of resiliency and support.

PETER

Of course, it doesn’t hurt that she’s really sweet, but more than that, she’s so invested in our community. She’s poured herself into our congregation and showered us and our children with love without any expectation of a return - it’s just who she is - and now, she finds herself truly in need, and that love is paid back in spades. Not only are people making considerable financial donations toward her recovery, a couple have even offered to donate their kidneys!

HUGH

It reminds me that I often refer to USH as my “family of choice.” I mean, I have my family of origin -- parents and siblings -- but then I have my “families of choice” like my band, or the men’s group, or USH in general.

PETER, DAVID

[nodding in agreement]

HUGH

...and like Gail I feel invested in that family. For example, I really value Small Group Ministry. Those are the kinds of conversations of depth and complexity that I simply can’t safely have anywhere else.

DAVID

So, are you saying you’re all lovey-dovey about your church?

HUGH

No, I didn’t say that. It’s like any family. Family of origin, family of choice...Sometimes “the family” takes me for a ride to places I don’t want to go. But because I’m invested in it, I want to continue to be a part of it because I’m thinking long-term.

PETER

Hey, here’s kind of a funny story about long-term love.

My Dad, he has Alzheimer's. At this point, he doesn’t know who he is, never mind anyone else.

So my uncle died not too long ago, and, as a result, it led to kind of an unexpected final gift to us. My five brothers and I finally got together with Dad for the first time in years.

We laughed and we ate and we sang and just hung out together. We didn’t really do anything special, but there was just a lot of love in the room. Even Dad felt it, you could tell simply by how happy and engaged he was.

And then, towards the end of the night without any prompting, he looks at all of us & he says, “I don’t know who any of you are, but you’re sure a nice bunch of people.”

(Short pause to allow time for these final remarks to sink in. )

DAVID

Hmmm. This may sound crazy, but we should all be so lucky.

HUGH

Or loved.

PA ANNOUNCEMENT

This is your captain again. We're beginning our descent into our final silent meditation of the day.

We hope you've enjoyed this brief trip, and that you'll consider flying UUA the next time you have a pressing spiritual need.

Let us know of any comments, errors and corrections - thanks (revised 02/13/11)